A break-up story

Not so long ago in a land close by, a girl fell in love with a number on the scale. They didn't spend every minute together but she was so happy just knowing they were together. Then, the number changed and she felt betrayed. How dare it not value the same things in the relationship that she did...For 3 mornings in a row, she stood on the scale, hoping her friend would be kind to her and show her the number she wanted to come back. When it finally did, she smiled and told it how much she missed it.

Knowing she shouldn't be so caught up with this infatuation, she decided to make a tough choice. She had to break-up with the scale. She would continue to remain friendly by checking in once a week but no longer could it parade around her bathroom being all high and mighty. It wasn't love. It was infatuation. Like most break-ups, it won't be easy but this happy ending is still to come.

Happy Happiness Everyone!

An old lady with a child's mind trapped in a 20's body...

A wide 28 year old's body but still.

Last night, SkinnyHusband and I went to a party, like a legit let's drink party. Of course I didn't drink but I watched everyone else go at it.

People played drinking games and laughed at each other. I laughed too.  I had a good time. It was just too loud for me. You see, I'm an old lady. I've been an old lady for years. Loud talking is just noise. Concerts, Sporting Events, Festivals, etc...they are all limited amount of time things for me.

I love little things and silly things too. I love some of my toys still-like Polly Pocket. That chick had everything and you could put her in your pocket! I enjoy coloring. I love bubble bath beards and shampoo mohawks. But I also enjoy knitting, reading, and watching the golden girls.

I've known for a long time that I was not meant to be a wild woman. While all this might be depressing for other people my age, I'm happy with it. I'm never going to be a wild and crazy girl and I've embraced it. I think it's important to remember who you are and what you love about yourself when going through changes.

Sometimes you get focused on the negative. I use to almost feel bad when people called me strange or weird or old or immature. I see it as a compliment now.

SkinnyHusband and I spent 4 hours just sitting on our back deck doing nothing today. It was awesome. Just sitting there enjoying each other. The best part to me is that I can sit in the chair and not worry about exceeding the weight limit. I won't tell him that but it was awesome. 

Turn that frown upside down

Today is one of those days where I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. In fact,  I feel like I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, that was in the wrong house, in the wrong neighborhood, in the wrong city, even in the wrong state...

I didn't drink enough at all yesterday. Then my little guy was jumping all around and hyper when I wanted him to be chill. SkinnyHusband couldn't find the important papers. Our little guy was getting dirt on invitations I need to mail when he was in the car on the way to daycare.

On the drive to work, I attempted to smile. Just smile-it'll make you feel better. I started listening to Disney music hoping it would help. I sang loudly as I was stuck behind 4 cars going 10 under.START SHAKING THE STEERING WHEEL PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET ME BE HAPPY.

Today was suppose to be my day off. I work 9 hour days to get every other Friday off. They started a new policy where you are strongly encouraged to come in on your flex if you missed any days that week (I had a stomach issue Monday this week). This is the whole reason I was in a bad mood. I have things I wanted to do. I wanted to be anywhere but in the car on the way to work.

When I got here, several of the people mentioned that they "are flexed on Monday's so if they're out that week, it's too bad, they don't have to make it up." I was on the verge of say ing "F-this ish!" and leaving.

We recently purchased a loveseat for the back porch and one of the pieces was messed up. The warranty was suppose to send a new one and now they are thinking it won't come through until 2 weeks from now. It was THAT kind of morning.

I kept thinking "get over yourself...don't spend your day upset." As I was mindlessly going through charts, a coworker from another department stopped by to say Hello. This interaction was brief but her smile was infectious. She was so happy and glowing and it made me happy. To see someone genuinely happy was the best gift and exactly what I needed.

While AwesomeBoss taught me life's too short to spend it unhappy, KindCoworker reminded me that you can't force happy but be open to it.

I know today won't be one of those "Happy-Go-Lucky" days that I enjoy so much but it won't be the worst day of my life and somewhere out there, someone is having the best day of their life and that makes me smile just a little more!  ;)


(and to make it even better...here's a Quokka!)

Life is too short to be unhappy

Last night, I went to watch the little boy I use to babysit play baseball. His mom, my old boss, is recently separated. I grew up with very little separation or divorce around me. The only couples I knew were bitter, unhappy, or mean. This wasn't like that at all.

She recently changed jobs and said the new one was boring but the staff got along well. Her last job was interesting but they didn't all get along. "We only have one life, and life is too short to be unhappy" is how she described leaving her old job. With the new changes in her separation, she showed the same mentality.

She always gives everything her all and I know she isn't thrilled about this new change but she's not going to let it ruin her happiness. This is an amazing mentality. I wish I had half the confidence she has and I hope one day I do. She's completely right. There will always be obstacles we don't predict but it's about making sure they don't define us.

This morning my weight was up...4 lbs up. I wanted to cry for a split second and then I remembered I hadn't taken my meds yesterday-first time in a month. (I gain 3-4 lbs overnight if I forget my one pill). It's just a number. There is no need to cry over something so petty-something AwesomeLady has spent years trying to teach me.

Overall, I've come a long way this year. I no longer see food as a reward or punishment. It's something you eat to live the life you want. I'm only 28. I've got another 60 years of happiness ahead of me. I look forward to the day when I realize I'm the person I've wanted to become...truly happy.

I worked with AwesomeLady for almost 5 years-still my favorite boss. I now understand what she tried to get through my silly head at the time. We only have one life to live and it's too short to be unhappy.

(Oh, side note: MiniatureAwesome's team won the game too and I got to see him hit one!)

A stomach bug or an instant weight loss scheme?

I recently had the joys of not being able to handle anything in my stomach. It only lasted for half a day but it was what I would call "no fun." My coworker said "I need that, I need to lose some weight." I laughed at her because it wasn't as bad as the norovirus but it wasn't a walk in the park. I was so weak I couldn't do anything but sleep after spending all morning hugging the commode. Water tasted awful. Food was unimaginable.  I forgot how unpleasant it is to be sick.

When she said that she wanted a stomach flu, I started thinking about how many "get thin quick" schemes people will buy into over their fat life. I use to read some of these diets and think about how if I could lose 10lbs in a week, I could be thin in 10 weeks. Looking back, that's absurd. I was not going to lose all the weight I have managed to accumulate in just a few weeks.

People are willing to have tapeworms to lose weight. People are willing to eat only cabbage to lose weight. People are willing to give up those evil carbs to lose weight. People are willing to get a stomach bug if it will get them a couple of pounds off. I use to be one of these people. I knew it was incorrect but I still wished to be thinner to the point that I was unhappy and unhealthy.

This weekend, I met a girl that had lost 75lbs over the course of a year. The diet, workout, lifestyle, and stress caused so many issues that she ended up depleting her body of her nutrient stores. Her body was so out of whack that she was not having periods, was completely exhausted, and she was having panic attacks. To me, a few extra pounds might kill me sooner than some other folks but I would rather be fat and happy than thin and exhausted.

Please do not get me wrong, I'm not giving up my endeavour to become a leaner, healthier, happier girl. I'm just not willing to become so focused on it that my life turns to crap. This whole eating healthy thing has been great. I've lost 19lbs and I'm feeling healthier. My clothes are starting to fit better. My life seems to be less like "I'm going to die by 40." I have one more pound to lose before my sister graduates from college and it seems more like a possibility than ever before!

I've never looked good in white...

When I started planning my wedding, I wanted to wear jeans and a t-shirt to say "I do." That was the most comfortable outfit I had and I never look good in white. As planning became more intense, the stress of finding an outfit to wear became more serious. 

Could you imagine going into a dress store to ask for a size 26 or 28 dress? And you know formal dresses are even smaller so I'd probably have to ask for a 32 or something. Ugh. Just the thought of that is depressing.

After a few months, I knew what I had to do. I had to wear a black and white polka dot dress. Polka dots are my go to pattern... I understand they are not flattering. I also understand they are amazing and cute and look way better on me than a big ole white dress.

I ended up sewing my own dress. When the pattern came in, we had to completely revamp it because it only goes up to an 18 and sewing sizes tend to be different than regular clothes sizes. It took my mother an entire weekend to get the pattern right. Then we almost ran out of fabric. I had to finagle it since we didn't have time to reorder fabric. I had waited until a few weeks before because I was "going to get smaller" for the majority of the engagement. The dress was tight (-lack of fabric), even with the suckie innie thing I wore. The suckie innie straps ended up showing. Right before the wedding, my sister finagled a clear bra strap to tie the suckie innie stroaps to hide. It ended up showing in pictures. The whole day I was worried my seams were going to rip. It was that tight. When I took this picture below, I thought for sure it was going to be the end of things for the dress. I periodically pull it out and put it on to see how I'm doing. It's usually fits the same since we got married.

My amazing siblings with my super awesome rigged up photo ruining strap holder

Today, I'm happy to report that I fit in the dress! It was loose. I didn't have to put on the suckie innie thing to get it on. No suckie innie straps to worry about and my bra straps stayed in place. It's like it should have been last year...it might even be a little too big already.

I'm hoping one day, I will be able to use the pattern and sew a real dress like it should have been done...using only 3 yards of fabric instead of 5. I love this dress.

Either give something up or learn to control the uncontrollable.

A few months ago, my boss pointed out to me that Croutons are my French Fries. How right she was with that statement. Since then, I've begun ordering a side of croutons which they only give you a little dish or a small plate (far less than french fries) and I will leave the french fries or chips or whatever I'm given.

I crave croutons like people crave french fries. For the past few nights, I've been seriously craving croutons. If we had gone out, I would have gotten a small side of them. I went to two places trying to find some croutons and gave up and got gold fish instead.

I finally got my croutons last night and devoured the bag. I knew exactly what I was doing. I watched myself continue to eat more and more. I didn't eat dinner which was my justification but I want to have the power to control how I eat croutons.

I don't hate myself for eating the whole bag which is different than previous experiences. I'm seeing it as a new challenge to overcome. And I will overcome it somehow, someway.

That's the difference in 3 months ago and today. I am up for a challenge. Life is always a challenge, I always have like a challenge-that's how I ended up with SkinnyHusband :)

Teenie, Minie, Skinnie,and Tot

When I was 190lbs in 2006, I thought I was HUGE. At the time, I felt like an overinflated balloon. I knew I had lost a lot of weight but I still felt massive. Looking back, I was not huge at all. I was 30lbs overweight-not even obese! That's nothing compared to being 140lbs over weight and "class 3 morbid obesity"...which is what I am now.

How could I feel so large when I know I wasn't.

Size is perspective. At the time, I was comparing myself to my best friends. The people I saw the most frequently and I thought of as "healthy size."

Teenie was 5'5" and 102lbs (BMI 16.97)
Minie was 5'3" and 103lbs (BMI 18.24)
Skinnie was 5'2.5" and 98lbs. (BMI 17.6)
and Tot was 5'1" and 97lbs  (BMI 18.33)


But next to them, a 5'7" 190lb girl was a giant!
These girls were my best female friends. They were always very encouraging and very supportive of me. They never judged me or told me they were worried about how fat I had gotten.

My goal for this week is to put it in perspective some more. I will never be as small as Teenie, Minie, Skinnie, and Tot. They are all 4 naturally thin. Some are active, some are sedentary. All eat different styles of foods and don't turn down meals. They all have small frames and features. I'm not them. I will never be them. I want to continue to remind myself what I'm doing and who it is for...ME!

While putting it into perspective, I want to see myself not as a fat blob all the time but I person who wants to live and become more. I'm going to work on not comparing myself to my friends. I have some that are larger than me. I have some that are smaller. But they are who they are-just as I am who I am...

Skinny Observation #4

Skinny people don't always finish a meal if it's not up to par. SkinnyHusband use to clean his plate. I remember going places and eating with him and he was almost licking the plate. When I would ask "how was it?" he would sometimes say "eh...it was okay" even though I thought it was amazing because of how he was eating it.

I don't always finish my meals by licking the plate, but I often sacrifice good taste by finishing the entire meal that I don't like at all. Tonight, I noticed SkinnyHusband stopped eating with half his fish left. I asked if he was full and he said he was not but the meal wasn't that good.

I'm not sure when he started doing this becasue most of the time, food is good enough for him to lick the plate still. Now it's my turn, I'm trying to learn how to savor the flavor.

I never thought I'd see the day

When 299.6 was a happy number! Today was the first time in well over a year that I was under 300. Actually, I don't remember being under 295 in 2 years. That's my next goal. I'm officially 15lbs lighter than January and 10lbs lighter than when I got married.

After the devastation of Saturday, it was nice to have a moment of joy. What I find interesting is how I'm dealing with things differently than in the past. I use to say "f-it!" if I screwed up at lunch but yesterday, after my 4 yeast rolls, I didn't go overboard the rest of the day.

As I'm becoming more aware of my triggers, SkinnyHusband is becoming more aware of his. We've openly discussed our triggers making the whole process even healthier for the two of us. Logan's is a bad idea for the two of us.

Skinny Observation #3

SkinnyHusband never deprives hisself. He eats fruits and veggies all the time but if we go out somewhere, he gets what he wants. Last night, he drank multiple drinks, ate a bunch of wings, and got a sundae. He seemed to really enjoy hisself. I made a comment about my calories and how I was coming close that day and he said "I'm not on a diet" and smiled.

For years, I felt if we go out to eat, you need to eat a treat so I would get something very bad for me cause it was a "treat." Then, I started to realize we were going out a lot and eating a lot of "treats."

We have cut back on going out all the time which has helped both of us because it is a bit unhealthy, but when we did go out, I still had the "treats" mentality. I had gotten use to sweet treats at the end of every meal and appitizers.

SkinnyHusband started turning down dessert or offering to share. Now we do dessert as a legit treat-every once in a while. We also don't devour our entire meal. He use to eat 20+wings. Now, 10 suffices and if he gets 20, he brings some home.

Less is truly more. I don't have to live everyday like it's my last when it comes to food because I don't want it to be my last. I can live everyday to the fullest without being overly full.

5am-early morning "you're fat" reminder

Well this morning was by far the most embarrassing of my life!

SkinnyHusband built our bed. About 2 months ago it started creaking. I've been trying to ignore it hoping as I shrank, the noise would subside. It only does this when I get in bed.

At 5am, the dog wanted to go out. When we came back in, I laid down and BAM! The bed broke. I could tell one of the 2x4's that was underneath and fallen. I rolled over towards Skinny Husband and was about to say we had found our Saturday Project and right then BBAAAAAAAAAAMM, my mattress sank. I have a memory foam mattress so it no longer had any support under it. We both sprang up and went to the living room to sleep on the couch.

When SkinnyHusband was building the bed with my father in law, I asked if they were going to put supports under the middle of the bed because all the king size beds I've seen have had them and he said no it wouldn't break. I asked if they screwed the boards in or if they were nailed and they said it was nailed and used liquid nails as well. "It won't break" they said...The support in the middle as well as the lack of screws made is susceptible to coming apart. Combined with the piece of plywood that was the wrong size and apparently rubbing against the frame-it was a ticking time bomb. It would have happened if I was 150lbs or 300lbs-just maybe not as quickly.

I realize it's not all my fault yet, I was depressed all day. I've been trying so hard to focus on not letting it get me down. We've fixed it now with metal braces and screws and 4x4's under the 2x4 supports. SkinnyHusband jumped on each 2x4 showing each one could support at least 160lb so it should be able to support the two of us at night.

We also went to a meadery today and tried our first mead. Not too shabby. I really liked their semi-sweet blackberry mead. It was great. If you're passing through NC, check out the Starrlight Mead. We also went to an old timey soda shop where I could have had a grilled cheese-I know the salad would have been healthier but at that point, I had no desire eat one without gagging.

At least we found a Saturday Project ;)

Skinny Observation #2

SkinnyHusband likes vegetables.

HOW DARE HE?! This is such a foreign concept to me. If it's not fried-it's going to taste awful. I'm a southern girl dammit. Fried Okra, Fried Squash, Fried Green Tomatoes. THOSE ARE VEGETABLES!

When I was a kid, I LOVED fried okra. I could eat it at every meal. To encourage me to eat more vegetables, my parents said I had to eat green beans before eating my okra. Even now, I feel I have to eat green beans when I eat fried okra cause I have a guilt complex. As an adult, I know it's unhealthy to eat fried foods frequently.

When I started college, I had learned to like zucchini, squash,  and cabbage. After college, I learned to like peppers, broccoli, spinach, lettuce, carrots,and onions. The only problem is I typically have to have these foods extra cooked where a lot of the nutrients are destroyed. I tried celery the other day and I didn't gag but I still don't want to eat it.

My new mission is to learn to eat nutritious vegetables regularly. Pinterest has given me some great ideas on how to cook some of these items without just boiling them until they're flavorless.

One day, I will want to eat a salad with SkinnyHusband.

A walk down memory lane

Last night, SkinnyHusband and I were reading "Hungry," which is about a man's struggle with compulsive eating. SkinnyHusband started talking. It was almost relieving to hear him talk about some of his moments and how we both seemed to relate to the author.

It was a moment where we both confided in our eating secrets. What amazes me is that I still don't know all of my triggers but I know one of them is less powerful.

I started therapy a long time ago and over the course of 2 years, I've learned the following things can set me down a path of crazy eating:
    -My coworkers: I've learned we'll never be friends but I am fortunate to have a job.
    -My education: I never got my RD but after working in the field, I'm not sure I want it. If I focus on this failure, I spiral. Most of the time, I focus on the positivity of my job choice.
    -My family: living 2 hours away and missing out family events use to make me feel alone and unloved. Now, I know it's my choice and it's only 2 hours.
    -SkinnyHusband's family: I love them...but I'm still learning the family. I've been with my family for 28 years and with his for 4 so it's an adjustment. If I focus on the desire they have to be family, I tend to survive.
    -SkinnyHusband: Learning to live with someone when you're use to living independently takes time. Most days it's wonderful-that's the good thing!
     -SkinnyHusband's Weight: For 2 years, I've watched him shrink down so effortlessly. The bitterness of my failures and the jealousy of his success has created a monster that wants to eat when she thinks about it.

After last night, that last trigger is off the list. I've made peace with this notion. We're completely different people. His main trigger is no longer a concern for him. He did the transformation slowly. He loves eating healthy and the weight loss encouraged activity. He hasn't done it to look better. He's done it to feel better and because he wasn't inspired to eat irrationally anymore. I'm no longer jealous of him or bitter about how I have failed. I'm proud of him and excited for me. There are store more triggers for me to discover but the big ones are under control. Here's to a happy and healthy Friday!

Skinny Observation #1

What makes the FatWife different than SkinnyHusband? I ask myself that question all the time.

He never stops moving. When SkinnyHusband was ChubbyBoyfriend, he would complain if I wanted to do something like go for a walk. SkinnyHusband works out all the time. FatWife does not. Even when he's not working out, he's doing something active like cutting the grass. We have about an acre and a push mower that weighs about 100lbs.

SkinnyHusband works an active job, on his feet all day lifting heavy metal and moving heavy metal or substances. I work a sedentary job. He gets home and does an hour of cardio or circuit training. I get home and read a book or play on my computer. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a super sloth. I tend to go walking during lunch of after work a few times a week but after I finish, I'm tired. He seems to get tired around 8pm after his workout, yardwork, and cooking his dinner.

In order to burn more calories, I have to increase energy output. I have to find a way to get little calorie burning moments in throughout the day. In my current condition, I cannot run without causing issues to my joint or my heels. I don't have the stamina to last very long with any task.

I often tell pregnant moms I work with to try walking 10 minutes after each meals to get their 30 minutes in for the day...maybe I could start with that technique? I could park further from stores. I could try to walk in between clients at least 2-3 laps around the office?

Now I just have to implement the ideas.

The Plan

Notice, I didn't call it a diet. I'm not on a diet. Diets don't work for me... Okay, that might be too hard on them. Diets are a pain in the butt. Diets require stress and overthinking and disappointment and anxiety and constant concern.

A plan...is laying the groundwork.
 
Here's what I'm doing:
                      Making weekly goals
                      Focusing on the positive.
                      NOT BEATING MYSELF UP FOR A NUMBER
                      Not giving up.
                      Loving myself.

With that being said: My goals this week are to have fruits at least 5 days and vegetables 3 days. 

Why hello...I'm fat.

I'm trying to do something about it though! I promise!

I use to feel that there were two kind of skinny people in the world: naturally skinny and works-hard-for-it skinny. I know that's silly. I know that's actually ridiculous. I also felt like there were two kinds of fat people: lazy fat people and unjustly fat people. I felt like I was in the later. I was going to be fat no matter what I did.

I was always an overachiever...in the 95%ile as a child. Well above it as a teenager.

In college, I went back and forth on my size. Starting school at 190-ending my freshman year at 220. Again, freshman 15 sounded like a challenge and I gave it my 200%! Got up to 230 my sophomore year. Worked with the school dietitian to get down to 215. Stayed there for a good month then shot up to 225 for a while. By my senior year, I was at 240. My second senior year I weighed 249.8(I WAS NOT 250!!!!) and decided to change my life. I started weight watchers, got a personal trainer, worked my arse off and got down to 188. Best feeling of my life but couldn't get below that level! Then I gave up and ballooned up to 220 quickly. In 2008, I was staying steady at 235. Enter SkinnyHusband.

FatWife and SkinnyHusband 10/2008(the night that started it all!)

Ahhhhh SkinnyHusband. He was so stinking cute! My friends warned me not to hit on him the moment we met and I listened. But I flirted with him for a year. I even lost a few pounds staying around that 230's level.

In February of 2009, we started dating. He was about 235lbs and I was too! We matched up quite well. We kept on dating and I gained a little-getting up to that dreaded 250. He gained too though! I just gained more...

I was diagnosed with Polycystyic Ovaries and given Impanon (BAD IDEA) and ballooned up to 300 in a year. By 2012, when I went to the doctor I was up to 315.

During that time, dreamy SkinnyHusband, who also got up to 250+ pounds, proposed, lost weight, and married me. Of course, he didn't stop losing once we got married. He started exercising more, continued eating right, and got down to under 160. Oh...and he has abs now. He's gorgeous.

FatWife and SkinnyHusband March 2013

The wife...is still fat and clunky. I get looks now. People in stores see us together and look at him and back at me in utter disbelief.  I watch his habits and know he didn't do it overnight and it wasn't super easy.

Now it's my turn. I might not ever get down to "Skinny" levels but FatWife can become HealthyWife.